Haven't i paid enough

I don't understand why I keep having trouble with people, I've done nothing wrong to the people who keep calling the police and complaining to the landlord. Why? Why me? I'm on edge now because the landlord gave me a last warning before eviction because supposed noise and harassment complaints, then the cops were called again Friday night. I don't know what to do.  I was not loud at all Everytime the police were called but it doesn't matter if I'm innocent, there's enough people saying that I'm the problem. I don't have any friends or family to help me with a place to stay and a place to store my stuff or most importantly someone who'll help me haul my stuff to wherever that might be. This is unfair. It has happen one after another sometimes everyday, every week, every month, and every year. It's non-stop. It never lets up. People seem to have a problem with me everywhere I go and everywhere I live, even if they don't know me. I've been thrown out of all shelters and I don't think I can go back to any of them. I'm going to keep praying, it's all I can do. There's things I were guilty of but I made it right. In two days my phone service will be cut off cause I won't have enough to pay for a phone card, I spend the money to repay my neighbors for a pipe they believe I broke. I only have $25 for food and cat food for a whole week. I'm worried sick. Why do I have to go though this constantly? I'm not the greatest person but I'm not that bad that I have to keep suffering. If I tell someone this either they won't believe me and there's gotta be something I'm doing to these people or I'm guilty of being a loud and harassing person OR they'll believe me and say I wish I could help but I cant, acting sympathetic when they actually only care about themselves. I truly hate my life. It's been nothing but constant problems, struggles, pain, and grief. If I do getting served an eviction notice I will end my life. It's not fair what has been happening my whole life. Either I'm cursed, or God is punishing me. Either way I'm ending it all myself if I get evicted, it will be the only option...I'll be homeless again, I'll lose my beloved cat and all my belongings. And again I won't be able to see my kids as often because I'll be homeless. No one likes me, That's fine but don't ruin my life. I overpaid for the things I've done wrong why do I have to keep paying?

An assumption that began my whole downward spiral turned out to be true ans reason behind it all

This is crazy because I just pieced together the whole reason my life took a turn and it was in no way my fault..I'm astonished cause I always thought those horrible events that made my life hell was MY FAULT he said so but what a twist...my bad memory is going and memories of the truth are coming to me... I'll tell you guys about it when I have the time and not tired like I am. But keep coming back to see if I finished this entry, it won't be a waste...you'll be surprised.

A text i sent to my first, only, & true Love

I don't expect u to respond but I have to tell you how it feels losing you, you see our kids I can always say they're mine but as for you I can't say your mine anymore. And it feels like I've been mourning your death...there's not a day that goes by that I don't shed tears...as I'm typing this I am again crying so much my phone will probably get wet. See Chris, I might as well had buried your casket. I can text and call you but your words don't touch like they used to cause you say nothing loving and you might come near while you bring the kids to see me but I can't touch you like I used to. To me that's you, or should I say the Us being dead. I cry more about us being dead & just this entire year than I've ever cried since Joseph's death. Can you now imagine how much love that is. ..that I'm still holding on to....I just don't miss you, I'm grieving and mourning. Every morning every night. Everywhere I go & see a couple that seems like true love & every movie I see with couple made out to be with true love, I breakdown, even in public....why?... because you are my true love. There will never be a past tense in what I just said.

Has the hole in my life been filled?

Most people would feel overjoyed, fulfilled, excited, and happy. But i feel overwhelmed, in a state of shock, terrified of the new, and idleness. Like where do i go from here, what questions do i ask and if i do take a step, where? I'm scared to fuck this up. I found my birth sisters and brothers and father. Well they found me.
Since I be left it at the last sentence and just now came back to my blog to finish this story, I realized I mentioned in this that I was scared to fuck this up well I did, whether I may have been my fault or simply the unfortunate fact that my father and oldest sister the only one I've known of growing up, turned out to be people who are very judgemental and unaccepting. At first they were excited, at awe, and happy they've found me but as we tried to get to know eachother, they hardly said anything about themselves but rather asked about me and after getting to know that me, my Ex & my kids were separated, there's a very detailed story and reason as to why how it how but everything and everyone points to blame my past alcoholism, so I went with that instead of giving the story of the very elaborate event that took place. And also told them I'm an addict in recovery. From there they judged me as being a complete mess, to blame for all my problems, criticized me and lectured me on how I need to get my shit together. Said this is not at all what they expected me to be like. Even after that going through more difficult times in my life, I thought I could maybe brush the judgemental assets away and trust going to them to express my pain and suffering, I cried, confessed what was really burdening me, and even said I wanted to end my life because of it all, also ask for their support in keeping strong and reaching out for help... wow the  response I got was hateful, mean, cruel, and every bit of wrong. Couldn't believe the family I'm connected to by blood would treat me like that, on top of what I was already going through I went through more pain because of how they treated me. My father, after cussing me out one night before I went a spent 3 months in jail, also said he wanted nothing to do with me. When I got out, I reached out to him, apologized, yeah as if I DID SOMETHING WRONG!, and asked for him to give me another chance to get to know me and promised I'd be more positive and make better choices. Then I found out through my oldest sister that treated me somewhat the same, that our father said that I'm just like the piece of shit mother druggie that abandoned her 6 kids. REALLY! That I was just like her. Really? It wasn't my choice to not have my kids, it was through unfortunate reasons and events that took place that made the law unallowing me to be with my kids but that case was closed and there was no more legal matter preventing me from having my kids except they closed the case with my kids father having custody. And that right there makes it impossible to have my kids placed back with me. The judge made a wrong choice because what most refuse to recognize even though they know and what other don't know is that I raised those 3 kids basically on my own. Even their father will say it's true! I raised them their whole lives and not all that time I had a drinking problem and not all that time I was a horrible mother. In fact right before the county forces us apart I was getting treatment for alcohol on my own, and never was it court ordered, they refuse to acknowledge that. Went the time, did what I had to when they put it on paper that I had to go through treatment and mental health evals and continue to take and to stay on psychiatric medication. When my time was served and was off probation and case CHIPS case closed. I stopped my medication cause I knew all along I didn't need them. And it came out to be true I didn't notice any bad change from stopping them. But also nothing else improved, except the fact that I no longer felt a NEED to drink anymore. That right there is great but besides that I also stopped attempting suicide. So despite the fact of other changes in being off medication, I do believe I never needed them in the first place. My addiction to dope picked up were it left off before jail, so I started going to NA and even scheduled to an AODA and therapist for mental health, both at the same place and different from where I've always gone on and off. Recently I stopped going to NA and treatment. Cause going through all this pain from STILL after all my efforts and please being apart from my kids, and STILL not having that bond and acceptance from my blood relatives...all I can think of is getting high but haven't had any luck in 3 weeks in getting dope. Everything happens for a reason I guess, that's what is always said anyways. So me being completely so is mostly from lack of luck and some from being too exhausted to go and try to make it happen. Laziness and giving up the effort it takes. Cause​ for some it doesn't much effort, it always did for me. Gotta have or save enough money or find someone who'll get you high for free, find Someone selling, find a ride, find ways or tools to get high, and I'd I'm drinking it only took going to the store but lately been to lazy to even go get some alcohol and like I said include the fact that I no longer feel urges to drink..I don't like the way it tastes or feel anymore. So here I am I did screw it up or should I say having this hole filled that I've had my whole life (not knowing my blood & then finding them, my family), got screwed by again unfortunate circumstances. And to be honest I never did feel that hole filled, I just never got the AWE!-feeling from it. Again most likely for a reason. I went my whole life not knowing those 2 pricks, I can go the rest my life without them. But I can't however go along without my kids in my life.

My Substance Abuse

Before I even begin I should start by saying that I am not like most addicts, I know everyone's heard that before but in my case it really truly is the truth, I was born addicted to drugs and suffered major health problems from it my whole life. Growing up until I reached my teens I also as a little child craved something daily tried everything to see what it was even eating dirt, I found that eating real chocolate and drinking coffee satisfied me somewhat. When times I had been given pain medication and steroids from hospital visits, I found great pleasure I was obsessed with the feeling of being in SOME WAY intoxicated, then realized I wasn't a normal child, even in my teens started drinking, smoking pot, popping pills still didn't know what an addict was until after I was 18, I fully understood after I had my kids after I stopped doing drugs and picked right back up and hit it hard. Didn't know what an alcoholic was until I started hiding alcohol & hiding drinking and after my kids questioned me. That's when I knew.

Never really had one drug of choice, i used anything and everything including alcohol. When drugging was an issue with the law, i began to drink shortly after my last child was born. I started out just drinking on holidays and social events, then every weekend, then a few times a week then to relieve stress and my severe social and generalized anxiety, then everyday to help me deal with the stress that raising 3 kids on my own brought on. I didnt see it as a problem because i can function as normal, take care of my kids, take care of household chores. Then i needed to drink in order to clean and cook. Then drinking at home wasn't enough so i had to go to bars, which by the way most of them i got kicked out of for asking patrons for money to not only get alcohol but also drugs. I came home one day and I need to say I've never done this before or it never happened to me but i came home after a night of drinking and started accusing my boyfriend at the time of cheating on me with a friend (which recently found out was true) and just began to assault him, he called the police, i got arrested and judge gave me a no-drink order...and so it began, the downward spiral to rock bottom. I kept drinking, so my bf broke up with me and told me to move out. I did, got my own apartment and soon got kicked out of there for getting arrested on a no-drink order. At the time my ex had a no-contact in place so i had to get my things and go to a shelter, shelter kicked me out for supposedly being rude to staff which btw was completely a lie. So i moved back in with my ex, we got back together, things went on as normal. One day i decided to go to health and human services to try and get my oldest son some behavioral help. The worker told me to tell her everything about the problems i had with him and i mentioned that he used to touch my daughter inappropriately and she said that by law she had to report it to police and she said i had to go straight to the pd and have all 3 kids interviewed and so i did. While i was in the waiting area i asked my daughter if touching was all he did, she said no and that there was penetration too many times. I was absolutely devastated because my brother had done the same for 10 years starting at age 3 and i felt like i failed my daughter. Social service agreed to let my kids come home with me under a supervision plan. I was told to keep both kids in separate rooms and stay home and watch them. Well as devasted as i was i needed some relief somehow, so after midnight thinking the kids were all asleep, i snuck out to go to the bar, i was only gone for 10 mins because i didnt see anyone at the bar i lnew, coming down the road i saw police squad cars and i got arrested for leaving the kids unattended and for drinking on a no drink again. The kids and my bf had to leave and live with my bfs brother. It didnt stop there, bc i always got caught drinking, i turned to drugs. Coming down off of the drugs i got really depressed bc my now ex wouldnt let me see my kids, i overdosed on sleeping meds and klonopin went into a coma, when i came out of the hopitol, my ex had already filed for custody and was granted it. Bc of him taking my oldest i lost my survivor's benefits  received from his dad who passed away, so i had no income. I lost my home i was renting. So i hopped from shelter to shelter, getting kicked out of all em, sometimes my fault but mostly it wasnt, just from assumptions, and people who had personal differences for whatever reason. Bottom line i lost everything my family, my money, my home, my will to live. And still i use and drink, this time im really trying though, im going to AODA treatment on my own, no it's not court ordered, once again I am free from the justice or legal system. Once an addict always an addict is erssomething i always hated hearing, its like saying once a cheater always a cheater...NO!! People do change and i will one day be living proof of that.

9/9/2017

I'll tell you what you wanna be inside an IV user's head? Is praying to God to help keep me alive one more day but at the same damn time telling the devil your willing to sell your soul for a fix, Cause I don't want to feel the pain. The cravings, not only body depends on a getting high but your brain depends on it or eventually lose all sanity. And wanna know where I'm at,  I'm gonna fucking lose my damn sanity. So that leads to saying my goodbyes.