Has the hole in my life been filled?

Most people would feel overjoyed, fulfilled, excited, and happy. But i feel overwhelmed, in a state of shock, terrified of the new, and idleness. Like where do i go from here, what questions do i ask and if i do take a step, where? I'm scared to fuck this up. I found my birth sisters and brothers and father. Well they found me.
Since I be left it at the last sentence and just now came back to my blog to finish this story, I realized I mentioned in this that I was scared to fuck this up well I did, whether I may have been my fault or simply the unfortunate fact that my father and oldest sister the only one I've known of growing up, turned out to be people who are very judgemental and unaccepting. At first they were excited, at awe, and happy they've found me but as we tried to get to know eachother, they hardly said anything about themselves but rather asked about me and after getting to know that me, my Ex & my kids were separated, there's a very detailed story and reason as to why how it how but everything and everyone points to blame my past alcoholism, so I went with that instead of giving the story of the very elaborate event that took place. And also told them I'm an addict in recovery. From there they judged me as being a complete mess, to blame for all my problems, criticized me and lectured me on how I need to get my shit together. Said this is not at all what they expected me to be like. Even after that going through more difficult times in my life, I thought I could maybe brush the judgemental assets away and trust going to them to express my pain and suffering, I cried, confessed what was really burdening me, and even said I wanted to end my life because of it all, also ask for their support in keeping strong and reaching out for help... wow the  response I got was hateful, mean, cruel, and every bit of wrong. Couldn't believe the family I'm connected to by blood would treat me like that, on top of what I was already going through I went through more pain because of how they treated me. My father, after cussing me out one night before I went a spent 3 months in jail, also said he wanted nothing to do with me. When I got out, I reached out to him, apologized, yeah as if I DID SOMETHING WRONG!, and asked for him to give me another chance to get to know me and promised I'd be more positive and make better choices. Then I found out through my oldest sister that treated me somewhat the same, that our father said that I'm just like the piece of shit mother druggie that abandoned her 6 kids. REALLY! That I was just like her. Really? It wasn't my choice to not have my kids, it was through unfortunate reasons and events that took place that made the law unallowing me to be with my kids but that case was closed and there was no more legal matter preventing me from having my kids except they closed the case with my kids father having custody. And that right there makes it impossible to have my kids placed back with me. The judge made a wrong choice because what most refuse to recognize even though they know and what other don't know is that I raised those 3 kids basically on my own. Even their father will say it's true! I raised them their whole lives and not all that time I had a drinking problem and not all that time I was a horrible mother. In fact right before the county forces us apart I was getting treatment for alcohol on my own, and never was it court ordered, they refuse to acknowledge that. Went the time, did what I had to when they put it on paper that I had to go through treatment and mental health evals and continue to take and to stay on psychiatric medication. When my time was served and was off probation and case CHIPS case closed. I stopped my medication cause I knew all along I didn't need them. And it came out to be true I didn't notice any bad change from stopping them. But also nothing else improved, except the fact that I no longer felt a NEED to drink anymore. That right there is great but besides that I also stopped attempting suicide. So despite the fact of other changes in being off medication, I do believe I never needed them in the first place. My addiction to dope picked up were it left off before jail, so I started going to NA and even scheduled to an AODA and therapist for mental health, both at the same place and different from where I've always gone on and off. Recently I stopped going to NA and treatment. Cause going through all this pain from STILL after all my efforts and please being apart from my kids, and STILL not having that bond and acceptance from my blood relatives...all I can think of is getting high but haven't had any luck in 3 weeks in getting dope. Everything happens for a reason I guess, that's what is always said anyways. So me being completely so is mostly from lack of luck and some from being too exhausted to go and try to make it happen. Laziness and giving up the effort it takes. Cause​ for some it doesn't much effort, it always did for me. Gotta have or save enough money or find someone who'll get you high for free, find Someone selling, find a ride, find ways or tools to get high, and I'd I'm drinking it only took going to the store but lately been to lazy to even go get some alcohol and like I said include the fact that I no longer feel urges to drink..I don't like the way it tastes or feel anymore. So here I am I did screw it up or should I say having this hole filled that I've had my whole life (not knowing my blood & then finding them, my family), got screwed by again unfortunate circumstances. And to be honest I never did feel that hole filled, I just never got the AWE!-feeling from it. Again most likely for a reason. I went my whole life not knowing those 2 pricks, I can go the rest my life without them. But I can't however go along without my kids in my life.