My Substance Abuse

Before I even begin I should start by saying that I am not like most addicts, I know everyone's heard that before but in my case it really truly is the truth, I was born addicted to drugs and suffered major health problems from it my whole life. Growing up until I reached my teens I also as a little child craved something daily tried everything to see what it was even eating dirt, I found that eating real chocolate and drinking coffee satisfied me somewhat. When times I had been given pain medication and steroids from hospital visits, I found great pleasure I was obsessed with the feeling of being in SOME WAY intoxicated, then realized I wasn't a normal child, even in my teens started drinking, smoking pot, popping pills still didn't know what an addict was until after I was 18, I fully understood after I had my kids after I stopped doing drugs and picked right back up and hit it hard. Didn't know what an alcoholic was until I started hiding alcohol & hiding drinking and after my kids questioned me. That's when I knew.

Never really had one drug of choice, i used anything and everything including alcohol. When drugging was an issue with the law, i began to drink shortly after my last child was born. I started out just drinking on holidays and social events, then every weekend, then a few times a week then to relieve stress and my severe social and generalized anxiety, then everyday to help me deal with the stress that raising 3 kids on my own brought on. I didnt see it as a problem because i can function as normal, take care of my kids, take care of household chores. Then i needed to drink in order to clean and cook. Then drinking at home wasn't enough so i had to go to bars, which by the way most of them i got kicked out of for asking patrons for money to not only get alcohol but also drugs. I came home one day and I need to say I've never done this before or it never happened to me but i came home after a night of drinking and started accusing my boyfriend at the time of cheating on me with a friend (which recently found out was true) and just began to assault him, he called the police, i got arrested and judge gave me a no-drink order...and so it began, the downward spiral to rock bottom. I kept drinking, so my bf broke up with me and told me to move out. I did, got my own apartment and soon got kicked out of there for getting arrested on a no-drink order. At the time my ex had a no-contact in place so i had to get my things and go to a shelter, shelter kicked me out for supposedly being rude to staff which btw was completely a lie. So i moved back in with my ex, we got back together, things went on as normal. One day i decided to go to health and human services to try and get my oldest son some behavioral help. The worker told me to tell her everything about the problems i had with him and i mentioned that he used to touch my daughter inappropriately and she said that by law she had to report it to police and she said i had to go straight to the pd and have all 3 kids interviewed and so i did. While i was in the waiting area i asked my daughter if touching was all he did, she said no and that there was penetration too many times. I was absolutely devastated because my brother had done the same for 10 years starting at age 3 and i felt like i failed my daughter. Social service agreed to let my kids come home with me under a supervision plan. I was told to keep both kids in separate rooms and stay home and watch them. Well as devasted as i was i needed some relief somehow, so after midnight thinking the kids were all asleep, i snuck out to go to the bar, i was only gone for 10 mins because i didnt see anyone at the bar i lnew, coming down the road i saw police squad cars and i got arrested for leaving the kids unattended and for drinking on a no drink again. The kids and my bf had to leave and live with my bfs brother. It didnt stop there, bc i always got caught drinking, i turned to drugs. Coming down off of the drugs i got really depressed bc my now ex wouldnt let me see my kids, i overdosed on sleeping meds and klonopin went into a coma, when i came out of the hopitol, my ex had already filed for custody and was granted it. Bc of him taking my oldest i lost my survivor's benefits  received from his dad who passed away, so i had no income. I lost my home i was renting. So i hopped from shelter to shelter, getting kicked out of all em, sometimes my fault but mostly it wasnt, just from assumptions, and people who had personal differences for whatever reason. Bottom line i lost everything my family, my money, my home, my will to live. And still i use and drink, this time im really trying though, im going to AODA treatment on my own, no it's not court ordered, once again I am free from the justice or legal system. Once an addict always an addict is erssomething i always hated hearing, its like saying once a cheater always a cheater...NO!! People do change and i will one day be living proof of that.

9/9/2017

I'll tell you what you wanna be inside an IV user's head? Is praying to God to help keep me alive one more day but at the same damn time telling the devil your willing to sell your soul for a fix, Cause I don't want to feel the pain. The cravings, not only body depends on a getting high but your brain depends on it or eventually lose all sanity. And wanna know where I'm at,  I'm gonna fucking lose my damn sanity. So that leads to saying my goodbyes.